Answering Machine Jokes

• Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a message after you know what.
   
• You've reached the home of the greatest psychic on earth. Since I already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after the beep tone.
   
• Hi, you know the drill.
   
• I'm not in.
   
• Hello? (short pause)
  Hellooo? (Waits again)
  Helloooo - Who is this?
  (After a final short pause) Well, whatever, I'm not home anyways, so please leave a message after the beep.
   
• Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)
  ...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off
  (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone)
  OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...
  (wait for a few seconds so the person calling will keep talking)
  Well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.
•  
• "Speak, worm!" (beep) Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
   
• Just put on a recording of a busy signal.
   
• The number you have dialled, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 is no longer in service, the new number is 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 (exact same number).
  -- try getting some voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like the phone company.
   
• A is for academics, B is for beer.
  One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
   
• Hi. This is Dipple:
  If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
  If you are my parents, please send money.
  If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
  If you are my friends, you owe me money.
  If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
   
• (Narrator's voice:) There Dipple sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dipple in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
   
• Hi. Now you say something.
   
• Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
   
• Hello. I am Dipple's answering machine. What are you?
  
  
• Hi! Dipple's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
  Please peak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
   
• Hello, this is Dipple's microwave. His answering machine just eloped with his tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking his calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
   
• This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
   
• Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
   
• Hi, this is Dipple. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
   
• If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
  Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
   
• You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
   
• You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
   
• Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
  Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
   
• Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

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