"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Benson Arizona and says "Bartender give me a beer!". The bartender says " sorry, we don't serve beers to bear in Benson Arizona!". The bear says " I don't care, give me a beer!" The bartender again replies " Sorry, we don't serve beers to bear in Benson Arizona!". The bear finally says " Bartender, give me a beer or else i'll go down to the end of the bar and eat that lady up!". The bartender says" Do what you have to do ." The bear goes down to the end of the bar and eat the lady up, turns around and says " bartender, give me a beer!" The bartender says " sorry, we don't serve drug addicts in here!" The bear says " What do you mean you don't serve drug addicts?" The bartender replies " What about the Barbituate?"

Beer Song

My uncle had a beer gut, it weighed 300 pounds he used a wheel barrow to haul it in to town they treet him like a king when he walks in to Woody's bar his beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody's brand new car. Nutsey's got A beer gut it gets bigger every year since nutsey gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer he was lying on the beach one day the sun kept getting hotter some save the whale freeks came and dragged him back in to the watter. (chorus) Beer guts of america stand up if you can stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand your beer gut is your buddy, its A friend whoos always near and all you have to do is feed it lots of beer. Mungo drank a poney keg at Droopy Yahos wedding his eyes went roling round the room and then he started swetting he triped on Duck and Fuzz cause they where passed out on the floor he landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door. I took my date in to the sauna upon the bench we sat she pointed and she said i never seen one big as that she held it and she stroked and she told me with a smile Body builders make me sick but beer guts drive me wild. (chorus)

Football Joke

A fat guy was in a bar one night when a gay guy walks in. The fat guy looks at the gay guy and says, "I don't like gays, get out." The gay guy responds, "I am not gay, I'm like you, I love girls, football, and beer, please let me join you." The fat guy finally agrees. The gay guy then says, " do you know how to play beer football." The fat guy says no. The gay guy says, " it goes like this, I will go first, First I will gulp down a bottle of beer," and he did, " then I will run down the bar and fart" he did. He then mentions, "see I got a touchdown for drinking the beer, and the extra kick point from the fart." The fat guy then says, "I can beat you this is easy." He drank the beer and ran down the bar and pulled down his pants. when he did this the gay guy ran up from behind and placed his dick in the guys ass and said,"kick blocked."

Twins

Two guys are sitting at either end of Kelly's bar late one night when one of them looks up and says to the other, "How's it goin'? You from around here?" The other guy says, "Upper West side.""Me too. Wher'd you go to school?""PS-121""Hey, so did I!""What year did you graduate?""1964""So did I!" "What street did you live on?""56th Avenue""Geez,me too!""What'd your old man do for a living?""He was an iron worker.""Unreal!Mine too!" Just then another guy walks in and says to the bartender, "What's goin' on?" The bartender replies, "Not much...but the O'Brien twins are drunk again!"

Don't Worry

A guy goes into a bar and orders 5 shooters. The bartender asks him,"Geez guy are you okay?" The guy answers, "I just found out my brother is gay." Same guy goes into the same bar a week later and orders 10 shooters. The bartender again asks him, "Are you okay?" Guy awnsers, "I just found out my other brother is gay." Next week guy goes into the bar and orders 15 shooters. "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family like girls?" the bartender asks. "Yes" replies the guy, "my sister."

Texas

A man entered a bar in a small texas town and ordered a beer. The bartender served him and then turned on the TV. President Clinton was holding a news conference. The patron said, "oh, that horse's ass again!" The bartender jumped over the counter and hit the man so hard he knocked him off the bar stool. "Sorry", said the man, "I didn't know I was in Clinton country." The bartender said, "stranger, you're not in Clinton country...You're in horse country."

Beer Whores, Unite!

Pop the top, let that beverage pour, Yes, it's true, I'm a beer whore. When I whisper sweet things in your ear, It's not you I want, freak, it's your beer. So take your watered-down punch home. I like a drink that's got some foam. Miller, Bud, Coors, Heinekin too, I like a guy that smells like brew. Don't you want to see my prettiest smile? It's a dead man who tries to satisfy me with Old Style. I can be mean, or I can treat you right. It's the difference between Heine and Natural Light. Give it to me in a bottle or in a can Did anyone ever tell you you're an attractive man? What's that? You have a case you say? You remind me of Mel Gibson in every way. Now that I've drained the keg, could you get your hand off my leg? There are other frat boys with beer, you see. I'd kiss you if you didn't nauseate me.

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