Jokes Page Two

Panda Stories Version 1

A panda sauntered into the saloon, sat down at the bar and told the bartender "Give me a sandwich and a beer." The bartender had seen many strange characters out west, and knew it was important to keep his cool, so he replied, "Sure, stranger," and slapped a ham sandwich and a cold one in front of the bear. The panda chomped on the sandwich and gulped down the beer. He then deftly pulled his six-shooter, aimed at a whiskey bottle behind the counter, and pulled the trigger. The bottle exploded into glass pieces and shattered onto the floor. The bartender was dumfounded as he watched the bear return his gun to his holster and walk out the front door. "Hey, what the hell is going on?" shouted the bartender as he ran after the bear. The panda stopped and said, "what did you want?? "Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot up the bar. Besides, you still owe me for lunch." "I'm a PANDA. Look it up." replied the bear and went on his way. The bartender was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable sort, so he picked up his unabridged dictionary from the shelf, and found the entry for "panda." "Damn!!!" he muttered. He realized that there was nothing he could do about it. There it was, in black and white, written by an authority no less than Noah Webster himself: ?pan-da -- n. A large bear-like member of the Raccoon family native to the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings. Eats shoots and leaves."

Version 2

A panda (yes, the animal with dark eyes) meets this gorgeous babe and decides to woo her. Manages somehow to get her number and arranges for a date. On the evening of the date, he picks her up and takes her to a really nice restaurant. There they have a wonderful dinner, champagne, candlelight ... well the works. The babe is suitably charmed and after dinner, they proceed to her place. Before long, as things would have it, they'n78 re having this delicious romp in bed. But as soon as it's over, the panda gets off the bed, brushes his fur in the mirror and makes for the door. The rather distressed babe cries out at this point "Hey, this is not happening! You can t just take me out for dinner, bring me home, make love to me and just leave like that!" The panda turns around, with a puzzled look on his face. He looks around the room and sees what he s looking for. He walks over to the bookshelf, picks up the dictionary and looks for the correct page and word. He finds it, walks over to the babe and points impatiently at the word. Thru tear-laden eyes, the babe reads : "Panda : an animal that eats shoots and leaves".

Take Care

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a beer." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free beers was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up on the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Guy Loses Girl Friend

A depressed guy walks in a bar and orders a drink. Bartender looks at him and says, "Man, you look bad---tough day?" The patron responds, "Yea, I went home early to suprise my girl friend with an engagement ring. When I got there, I found her involved in wild sex with my best freind." The bartender says, "Gosh, that's a hard thing to deal with. What did you do?" The guy responded that he did the only "manly" thing he could, which was toss his girl and all her stuff you in the yard and tell her he never wanted to see her again. The bartender then asked, "Well, what did you do to that best freind that was nailing her in the first place?" The guy said, "Oh, I took care of him alright. After throwing my girl friend out, I sternly marched right back into the room, pointed my finger at him, and told him "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!!"


A guy is sitting at the bar enjoying a draft beer when a great looking young woman sits down beside him and gives him a dynamite smile. Just as he's figuring out his opening line, she says in a loud indignant voice that the whole bar can hear "Your apartment! Absolutely not!" and she gets up and stomps off to the other end of the bar. He sits there in confusion and embarassment, nursing his beer and wondering how to get out of there. After a while, she comes back, sits next to him again, and says in a low voice. "Look, I'm sorry about that. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm conducting an experiment to see how people react in unexpected stressful situations. Please accept my apology and let me pay for your beer." The guy stands up indignantly and says at the top of his voice, "A hundred dollars?!"

Gay Beer

A young gay man, escorted by an enourmous German Shepherd, walked into a fern bar being tired and weary from the heat of the day. Daintily, the gay man scoots up to the bar and sits on a stool while the German Shepherd lays on the floor at his feet. The bartender scowls at the gay man and walks up to him. "I'd like a really lite beer" the gay man says softly before the bartender can say anything. "Get out of here!" the bartender says; "We don't serve your kind in this bar." "I'll just sit over there in the corner and not bother anyone....If I can just get a lite beer" the customer says with a dainty pout. "No! Get out of my bar now!" the bartender shouts. The gay man gets a little offended... "If you don't give me a beer, I'll sick my dog Max on you..." The bartender looks at the enormous German Shepherd and says; "I don't care what you do -- get the $%#$% out of my bar!" The gay man sniffs in disgust; "That's it! ...Max, sick him!" and points toward the bartender. The German Shepherd jumps up from the floor and leaps on top of the bar. Lunging at the bartender the dog knocks him over behind the bar. With teeth barred and his huge paws squarely on the bartender's chest the dog growls; "Boowsie-Wowsie..."

A gay man is driving down the road in the middle of the desert. He notices a run down bar and stops for a drink. He walks in and asks for a beer. The bartender told him to leave, that he would scare the customers away. The gay man finnaly convices the bartender, but was told to sit in the corner, drink his drink and leave. The guy got the drink and sat down. About 5 minutes later, a big burly truck driver comes through the door. He said "Man I am so thristy, I could lick the sweat off a bull's balls!" Suddenly the gay man jumped up and said "Moo, Moo, Buckaroo!"


A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

Front Page

Jokes Main Page